Ok, there will probably be more than one word ... I just need to get this out.
I am a "big girl" always have been, probably always WILL be. My Dad is over weight, my grandmother was over weight, I am sure I could start a list and keep going but really I don't want to. Those two people seem to be who I have followed after in the gene pool.
For the most part I have accepted this. I have heard all of the horrible comments behind my back and to my face since grade school. I have developed my coping mechanisms, but somewhere deep down it does still hurt.
It is not like I haven't TRIED. I have been on diets. I have lost weight. I have went off diets, and I have gain weight back. I always seem to fall somewhere in the range of 200-250. Not a good fluctuation I am sure.
my 2006 weight loss in pictures
I have gone to doctors and had them tell me to lose weight (really? gosh that was great advice Dr. McSkinny) but then they run all kinds of blood tests and the most they can find wrong is that I am anemic. No thyroid problems, no blood pressure, cholesterol is well within normal ranges and I am no where close to diabetic. What does that all mean? I am HEALTHY! Yes, I said it ... I am too healthy for the medical community to consider helping me lose weight. That means no pills, no lap-band, no gastric bypass surgery. The doctors have bigger fish to fry and I am low on the priority list.
Why am I bringing this up now? Well, because of the wedding. The wedding industry seems to assume that every bride either is or wants to be a stick on their wedding day. The sample sizes at Bridal Salons alone prove this point. Then every "wedding checklist" at some point mentions starting to "watch what you eat" (which is code for diet) or tells you to focus on "toning those problem areas" (which we all know is code for exercise).
It isn't just the mass media & fashion industry though ... friends and family join in as well. I know they mean well, but it just causes more stress when people are pointing it out. It really doesn't help though because their comments cause stress, and stress makes me eat. It is a vicious cycle.
If Mr.B loves me the way I am, then why should I "have" to change? Why can't I feel comfortable on my wedding day at whatever weight that might be? Will I be any less beautiful? Will my marriage somehow last longer? Will I be any happier? No, I don't think so.
The thing is that I HAVE lost weight before, and mentally I know I can do it again. I also remember the things I didn't do while I was losing weight. I didn't go out and socialize with my friends. I didn't scrapbook (a hobby I LOVE). I also somehow spent less time with the kids. I wouldn't eat with them, because they were eating different foods that I was not allowing myself to eat and I didn't want to be tempted.
I was also working three jobs. Yes, you read that right THREE. I was a single mom, with 2 small kids and I was working three jobs to stay a float because my ex-husband wasn't helping support his kids. I was constantly on the go and never had free time to enjoy life. It was a different kind of stress. I wasn't really happy, I was just trying to be.
I don't want to go back to that point in my life. I am happier now. I am only working one full time job (with a small 2nd job working in the church nursery a few hours a week). I have Mr. B and we do go and do things, like the movies and playing at the park with the kids. We eat out with friends, and hang out. It is a totally different lifestyle.
I have a single friend that is sort of on the same weight loss journey. We are/used to be similar sizes. We have dieted together on and off for the past year or so. Her life is different though, and I am not sure she understands that. She can go to the gym and Zumba and do cardio for an hour. I don't really have that same option. I have the kids. Planning meals isn't as simple as easy for me as it is for her as well. She just has herself, I have 3 other people to plan for as well. Most of the time it ends up just being whatever is the fastest to make or grab on the way home.
I guess I am just conflicted, I am not sure what to do or which way to turn. What have you decided to do in regards to weight for the wedding.? Do you plan to keep it status quo or are you stepping it up to lose weight?